Understand Each Other

Become More Secure For A Healthy Relationship: Take Away 1

Practicing my watercolor skills by painting a tray of vegetables. Here, I’m leaving more white spaces rather than filling it all in so it creates a better 3D feel! To buy a print of this artwork, visit my RedBubble shop!

Hi there! I’ve been learning to become more securely attached so that I can be in a healthier relationship. As part of this healing process, I have had to unlearn some things, rewire my nervous system, and see how things this time around are different than before. I’m going to try and start sharing tidbits of what I’ve learned so that it can help you be in healthier relationships too ◡̈

Here’s one of my first major takeaways:

Take the time to slowly get to know each other.

I know this sounds so obvious and makes so much sense, right? Yet, in practice, it can sometimes feel hard, especially when we meet someone we like and want to be “together” in a relationship or marriage as fast as possible. To check this goal off.

I think many people in the Asian community have been trained to think this way. Perhaps because of the numerous times when a family member asks…when are you getting married? Or when will you complete this big life milestone? I want to make it clear that there is nothing wrong with this goal; in fact, I personally want this goal for myself too.

But I realized that the WAY I approached this matter needed a subtle shift for it to be oriented in a healthier direction.

Here’s the difference:

When my mindset is oriented toward being together as the goal, I feel an urge to rush to be at the endpoint. I feel more pressure, have more expectations of the other person, and feel that I have to “win” the other person over.

On the other hand, when my mindset is oriented toward understanding the other person, I feel more curious and I feel there is more room to breathe. There is a natural and organic desire to know the other person, care about the other person, and even more playfulness and lightness, too.

Then, as I get to know him, questions become: Who is this guy that I feel drawn to? What does he like? What does he care about? What makes him laugh? What makes him worried or sad? What does he light up talking about?

And family members might ask different questions based on this new mindset orientation too. Such as: Is this person someone you enjoy being with? What do you appreciate about them? Does this person make you feel accepted and taken care of?

This mindset of understanding one another is something that continues on and on, even after a relationship, even after a marriage, even when there is conflict. It doesn’t just end when the “box is checked”. Because both individuals will continue to grow, and it is truly a privilege to witness and be there for each other through all the seasons of life.

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