Trusting the Process 相信过程
Enjoy the journey assuming that you will achieve your dreams.
I used to be so focused on getting to the goal immediately that I missed out on the learning process of getting there. In fact, my mind was so focused on achieving the goal that that was all I saw — I achieved it or I did not achieve it. Black or white. My journey of how I got to the goal just glossed over me.
I experienced my spiritual awakening three years ago. Ever since then, I have come to see how some of my old habits were not going to be sustainable for me. I went through a death and rebirth experience in order to evolve. And let me tell you, this process was terrifying and uncomfortable for me. But I also experienced more love, joy, and life than I ever have before. Read on for how I learned to trust the unfolding of my journey toward one of my big dreams in life — to have a loving and playful family of my own.
Journey to a Loving and Playful Family
Healing my relationship with my family:
I truly started working on this dream two years ago by changing the relationship I have with my own family. For a long time, my family did not have a healthy dynamic. We never talked about feelings. In fact, I did not know many emotions on the feeling wheel. We talked at each other instead of to one another. We rarely let down our guards to speak to each other from the heart. We were constantly protecting ourselves and prickling one another. Hurting one another.
To turn this around, I had to have a lot of difficult conversations with my parents, be incredibly vulnerable with them by showing a tender side of me that I had never shown to them before, change my mindset about love, and have a new perspective about my parents to understand why they were the way they were and how they were doing their best to love me based on the way they were conditioned.
Today, our family dynamic is significantly better than before. It was a difficult process to get to this point partly because many of the new ways in which I related to them over the last two years were so foreign that it felt weird to initiate. For instance, saying “I love you”. But that is what it takes to change an ingrained habit and pattern. I would take 2 little steps forward and fall 1 step back, take another 2 steps forward and end up 1 step back. But I was still moving forward. I could slowly see the progress we were making, the progress that I was making in relation to them, and that kept the momentum going.
Healing my relationship with myself:
In order to create a loving and playful family, I also had to change the relationship I had with myself. A lot of the ways in which I thought about myself or talked to myself were a result of how my parents talked to me, how society and culture shaped me, plus all the experiences I have had with other people throughout my life and how they influenced me.
The result of how I was shaped and conditioned in life made me believe that:
I did not think I was good enough or perfect enough
I was not lovable
My needs did not matter or were not important
Day by day, I had to notice how I was talking to myself and change my self-talk from being self-critical and judgmental to being more loving and supportive. I learned to acknowledge and be proud of myself for all that I was doing well rather than focus on the negatives — what I was doing wrong or what I could be doing better. I had to slowly come to see how I was already amazing, how I am good enough and lovable despite all my imperfections, and how no human being can be absolutely perfect.
I noticed that I was loved by my family and friends. I just needed to be vulnerable with them and share what was going on with me, something I did not do before. I learned to ask for help and support when I needed it, rather than getting through it alone. If I was going through a hard time and told a friend I needed to do something fun that day to lift my spirits up, she would make space for me that day so that we could do something fun together. I let myself be touched by love. Rather than think that I was a burden for others, I allowed myself to be grateful for my support network and cherish them for being a part of my life.
I learned not to override my own needs. To be more gentle with myself and my body. To listen to a voice or feeling that I had been ignoring or had been trained to ignore for so long. To rest when I needed to rest, to say no when I wanted to say no. Even if an activity was fun, if it did not resonate with me in that moment, I did not want to pressure myself to do it. Even if something was beneficial and good for me, if I was not ready to receive it, I did not convince myself or force myself to take it on. And if I needed to drop “important” things for the day just to play because that was what I needed, I did it!
All of these changes took time and effort. I also had to take it step by step. A year ago I could not imagine becoming the person I am today because I am so different. If I knew where I was headed, it would have seemed impossible. But daily effort and practice led me here. When I took the next step, the next step would reveal itself to me. I did not have much of a plan in place. In some ways, I had surrendered my journey to the universe trusting that I would be guided to my dream. I just had to follow my heart. Sometimes, I was led down a-not-so-direct path and sometimes I would fall but this all happened for a reason. I learned from my “mistakes”. I learned what was not right for me and what was right for me. I was collecting data through direct experiences and integrating it into my life. I had to trust the process — grow from my experiences and trust the timing.
Healing my relationship with romantic interests:
I realized that I was prone to being anxiously attached. I was drawn to people who were not emotionally available. Surprise, surprise! This was because it was familiar for me to be loved by emotionally unavailable people.
Progress I have made so far this year:
Recognize when I am being attracted to an emotionally unavailable man. Accept that one part of me recognizes this person is not good for me and is not meeting my needs AND at the same time, also acknowledge and love the part of me that is still romantically attached to this person. I noticed that both of these parts of me did not have to be in opposition (at war) with one another. It did not have to be an “OR” situation. They could both co-exist in harmony as an “AND” situation. I could want something AND decide not to grab it.
Try to create distance between myself and this romantic interest even when it was tough to do so. This allowed me to come back to me and take care of me and my needs. Knowing the love that I deserve and knowing what I am worth helped with this process.
Communicate how I am feeling even if it feels scary to be seen and may result in myself getting hurt.
I am proud of myself for getting this far already. Even though there is more space to grow, I have learned to take it easy and cherish the peace when it comes. I am currently enjoying my break because when the next romantic interest comes along into my life, it will be feel like another deep and intense experience.
Written and illustrated by Liwei.
What questions do you have for me? Leave them in the comments!