Sometimes Doubt Can Creep In…
And Sometimes Confidence Creeps In Too. Just Keep Going
Staying on my own path and trusting that I will be ok is something I continuously have to remind myself because…I will be honest – it often feels hard and yet what I do fulfills the deepest longings of my soul. I’m curious…if I follow my innermost truth and keep backing my heart when so many others seem to have abandoned it, what journey will it take me on?
Well, let me tell you about some of it so far. There are times when I feel alone seeing many of my friends and peers doing something else. There are times when I feel discouraged and conflicted when my family and friends passively pressure me to make decisions that I don’t resonate with. And of course, I cry too. In fact, I cried yesterday. I cried because I wasn’t sure if I could keep going. I questioned whether I had made a bad decision in my life by quitting my corporate job and leaving the Bay Area. I wondered whether I was ruining and dismantling my life going after my dream (yet again). Currently not sure where home is, not sure if a career in coaching would be successful, not sure if I will find the community and partner that feels just right for me. Am I failing at life? Am I not cut out to be a coach, writer, speaker, and artist? Was I born with the wrong mindset to tackle these challenges? Are successful people born into a more supportive family and friend circle? Am I going to have to give this up? Am I going to have to backtrack to what was familiar yet unfulfilling? This road was much harder than I thought it was going to be – some days feel like a huge insurmountable struggle. Will the things I’m so passionate about be able to sustain me for life? Not just financially, but emotionally and soulfully? Will the journey pay off?
I cry and wobble. Then I get back up and keep going. I take action to move forward, learning and growing in the areas that I’m still a beginner at. I keep going out into the world to connect with people and find opportunities. It makes sense that I feel the wobbles because I’m a beginner on this creative path. And because there is no other path that makes me feel the most alive in every possible way. I get to go through the breadth and range of the human experience. Yes, I get to face my worst fears. I am left weeping on my floor because my heart has been cracked open. I tear up when kindness has deeply touched my heart and I believe in the goodness of humanity again. I curl up in bed sobbing because it feels hard and I’d like to have a therapeutic cry. I experience the gift of tears. AND I experience the gift of joy. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to pursue my dream. I feel profound peace going on a walking meditation admiring the trees, perking up to birdsong or the chorus of crickets. I remember that life is truly beautiful and exciting. That it doesn’t have to be perfect for it to feel wonderful. Why was I so worried again? There is so much to explore and live for! And I want to enjoy every step I take. Every moment that is hard and makes me fall down into a clump testing my determination. And every moment that is easeful and fun making me feel that I’m on top of life and anything is possible. I can do this! I imagine Sisyphus happy.
I want to balance effort and ease as I experiment with stretching out of my comfort zone in a gentle and more easeful way (and a more supported way). Do what feels stretchy and yet do it in a way where I feel I can still breathe, have space, and not feel overwhelmed. This is what I am inviting in this year.
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