Saying “I Love You”
Healing Generational Cycles
I don’t remember when I said the first “I love you” in my family, but I remember exactly how it felt. I was already in my 30’s. I wanted to let my parents know that I loved them (verbally), but it was stuck in my throat…SO HARD to get out of my mouth. It literally felt like I was breaking through an invisible thick barrier with force and trepidation and LOTS of heart-led courage behind it. It was harder than any of the 5,000-meter mountains I had summited.
I could’ve kept things the way they were and never said it. I could have maintained the status quo. But I wanted to be direct and let my parents know with certainty. I couldn’t let such simple, popular, yet deeply meaningful words be left unsaid within my family during my lifetime. It couldn’t go down on my watch as someone who was practicing deeper self-expression and vulnerable honesty in my communication with everyone close to me in my life. I had to “break the cycle”.
It took my parents a while to say it back to me. It sounded and felt strange initially, but over time, it felt more natural. For instance, even exchanging a “love you” with my mom this past weekend on Mother’s Day! For some families in Western culture, it was routine but for my family, this was monumental. “I love you” wasn’t said casually or nonchalantly for more than 30 years of my life, so hearing it feels extra heartwarming and meaningful, knowing it takes loving intention for both sides to say it to each other. I hope it will feel this way for the rest of my life.
For those of us who grew up in an Asian culture, it wasn’t very common for family members to say “I love you” to one another or, for that matter, really express any emotions through words. Love was expressed through acts of service, like cooking delicious meals for each other. It was shown through actions, and less so through words. Our physical needs were met with utmost care and devotion. Yet for some of us, our emotional needs weren’t met (not intentionally).
About 6 years ago, I started to have conversations with my parents, not as parent-child but more as peer to peer. This type of dynamic was very new, and these types of deeper getting-to-know-you conversations were also new within our relationship. They told me what it was like to grow up during the Great Famine or the Cultural Revolution. Life was so hard for them and my grandparents. My mom’s parents, for instance, were practically never present in her life when she was a kid because they had to walk for hours just to get to work and work long hours. My mom had to learn to be an adult with her sister and brother at a very young age. When my mom told me this, my heart softened, I felt compassion for her, and wished it had been different for her. That was the moment I forgave her for all the ways I wish she had shown up for me as a mother. How could she have modeled emotional attunement when she never received it herself? Since then, I knew with all my heart that she was the most amazing, brave, resilient, and perfect mother I could have – with all that she knew, all that she experienced, all that she fought for, all that she sacrificed, and all the ways she knew how to love. My parents fought for our future with everything they had.
Sometimes we don’t truly understand why people are the way they are until we become curious and learn more about them. I think I read somewhere many years ago that understanding is a form of love. And sometimes people don’t know how we are feeling unless we open up and say something. As far as I know, most people can’t read minds. So here’s to more of us opening up through curious, honest, and vulnerable conversation with each other because that’s how connection grows.
A couple of years ago, I told my brother and sister-in-law that our parents had done some incredible work in their lifetime to help us get to where we are today. And that our generation should just let them rest, be happy, and retire while we pick up the baton to do the work of our lifetime to make it better for future generations.
To me, our generation is responsible for carrying the work of emotional and nervous system growth, healing, and transformation forward. Because the time has come. We are being called individually and collectively to heal, evolve, and break generational cycles that no longer serve us.
A generational cycle describes the patterns of thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs that are emotionally or culturally passed down through generations. It could be the ideas we hold about how we should live our lives. It’s the lens through which we see the world that is shaped by our parents, grandparents, and can also be influenced by culture, ethnicity, and events. We pass long through words, actions, and attitudes – consciously or not– what we know, or what we believe to be true, even if it’s not. Generational cycles shape how we see ourselves, how we love, how we work, and how we communicate.
Generational cycles can be positive or negative. For instance, positive empowering cycles from Asian culture could include the passing on of:
Resilience
Strong work ethic
Respect and care for elders and ancestors
The importance of education
Good hospitality and care for others
Supportive, interdependent, and cohesive family structures
Community-oriented mindset
Cleanliness and a sense of order
Negative cycles from Asian culture could include the passing on of:
Emotional suppression and avoidance (“别哭” or “don’t cry”)
Conditional love or achievement-based worth
Filial piety to the point where there is no sense of self
Comparison culture and mindset (A friend once told me comparison is the death of joy)
Avoiding difficult conversations or indirect communication
Maintaining appearances and hiding problems
Needing external validation or external advice
Gender inequity
We can choose to continue the positive cycles and break the negative cycles. Breaking or altering negative generational cycles often involves the development of self-awareness and a conscious effort to shift inherited patterns. Some patterns can run so deep that it takes years, decades, and multiple cycles to change. The good news is that making such shifts doesn’t just impact you for the better—it also helps shape the trajectory and foundation for future generations.
Coaching Reflection Questions For You:
What is one positive generational cycle that has been passed down through your family that you feel grateful for, not just in your head, but in the depth of your heart? What does the sensation of gratitude feel like in your body?
Notice something that a family member does for you that you truly appreciate. How would you express your appreciation to them, verbally?
If expressing love, care, and appreciation verbally feels challenging or vulnerable to you, you’re right at the edge of expanding your comfort zone. Go slowly, there’s no need to force or rush to make it happen. Just be curious about it. What are you afraid would happen if you expressed the love and appreciation out loud?
Conversely, if someone tells you their love, appreciation, and care for you, what is your response? Do you tend to receive it or block it/negate it? If you have a tendency to push love away or block it, why does it feel uncomfortable to be receiving love, appreciation, and care?
I help Asian millennials nurture healthier relationships with themselves and their families, so they can navigate Western and Eastern cultural norms and expectations with more self-trust, gentleness, and authenticity. If you would like to chat about what it would be like to work with me as your coach as you shift generational patterns, book a 30-minute complimentary call with me! https://calendly.com/liwei-yang/complimentary-call
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