Is it just me, or do you feel it too? Lately, it feels like change is happening at the speed of light. Not just in our outer world, which I’m sure you’re feeling with all the chaotic things going on right now, but within me, too.
I read somewhere that what we currently experience in a week is what humans back in the day used to experience in their lifetime. That’s crazy, and yet it feels so true.
These days, a single day feels like it holds the weight of a year. And a week can feel like a lifetime. I’m not the same person I was a week ago. And the person I was a month ago feels like a distant memory. I don’t even know if I would recognize her.
About a month ago, I was stuck in indecision. It felt as if all forces within me weren’t flowing but instead swirling in a vortex. It was a freeze response of the nervous system. I didn’t feel safe in my body, and making any life decision felt impossible. I was being pulled in different directions by different parts of myself, all wanting attention and speaking up to the point where I didn’t know which one to listen to anymore.
Today, things feel… different. I didn’t force myself forward, but something shifted in a small but significant way when I simply held space for the part of me that felt overwhelmed from having to make decisions. I’m making decisions now, but not from the same place.
When I met this overwhelmed part, I could feel it wanted to figure out the “best” answer, best decision, and best path for me. It was in agony trying to weigh all the choices, analyzing all the possible outcomes, and afraid of making the wrong choice. And going deeper beyond that, I could feel at its core that it just wanted me to have the very best in life, it wanted to protect me, it wanted to be certain that I would be safe, and it loved me so much. It was working so hard for me out of dear love and care for me, to the point where it was at its breaking point.
Another steady, loving part of me stepped forward and let her know. It’s ok…no matter what choice we make, to trust that we will be okay. That I was more resourced and able to create safety. That no decision could ever fully satisfy every single part of me. And that the decisions we make didn’t come from the mind or from pressure or analysis, but from resonance in the body. And to let that overwhelmed part know that I wished it could be relieved of its burden that it had taken on.
And in that moment, something softened. Something let go.
We all have different parts inside us. Parts work was pioneered by the therapist Richard Schwartz. He came up with a therapeutic approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS) and wrote a book called “No Bad Parts”. The main takeaway is that every single part of us, even the ones that seem fearful, resistant, or self-sabotaging, actually all come from a place of love and positive intention. They aren’t bad because most of the time, they are trying really hard to protect us.
You might notice it when one part of you deeply longs for a relationship,
but another part feels cautious, scared, and not ready.
One part of you wants to explore and take a leap.
Another part wants to stay where things feel safe and familiar.
One part wants to go out and connect.
Another wants to curl up under a blanket and be alone.
One part beams with confidence in certain spaces.
Another part feels full of doubt and not-enough-ness in others.
This is completely human. We all have inner parts that want different, even conflicting things. And when they don’t agree, it can feel like pressing the gas and the brake at the same time.
This is what might leave us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, confused, and drained.
I share this because maybe you’ve felt this too. The inner tug-of-war between different desires, different needs, different parts of yourself.
Here’s what I’ve learned. When these parts want different things, we can’t move forward and become unstuck by forcing our way forward. We could do all the actions that seem right and seem to make it appear as if we’re making progress. Yet we can only move as fast as our slowest part.
When we try to override or ignore the part of us that’s scared, we don’t move forward. We just burn out.
The real shift happens when we turn toward that part with curiosity and compassion. When we ask it what it needs. When we recognize that it's not trying to ruin our plans. It’s trying to protect us and love us, the only way it knows how.
That part deserves to be seen. To be held. To be loved.
And when it finally feels safe…when it receives the acknowledgment and care it’s been longing for…it can begin to soften. It can release its grip. Not overnight, but slowly. Naturally. In its own time.
So if you’re feeling stuck right now, you don’t need to figure out how to fix it, or problem-solve your way through it, or do something more. You just need to meet and hold the part of you that is afraid and meet it with love.
This is not about rushing your healing or finding the quickest route forward. This is about honoring your pace. All of your pace. Even, and especially, the parts that need to go slow.
It can be harmful to move too fast because doing so can activate big patterns and you can miss the smaller steps and healing moments.
The key mindset to adopt is…how can I take care of myself, my body, and nervous system? What did I do today to honor that? And celebrate the wins based on that. It’s so important to recognize and acknowledge all the ways you show up for yourself.
And by the way, rest is also movement. If you did nothing but rest all day because that’s what your nervous system desperately needed, that’s a win! It might be hard to do this if it’s something you’re not used to. Guilt might show up, you might think you wasted your time and day, or it might even be hard to be still. That’s ok. Just do the best you can, and that’s enough.
You are the loving witness, the CEO of your inner world. You don’t have to strive and force your way forward. You just have to listen. Let your body and intuition guide you. Decisions made from that place feel like exhaling. Like resonance. Like a settled peace.
And if your nervous system doesn’t feel regulated yet, that’s okay too. Start there. Spend time with the trees. Take a walk. Breathe deeply. Lie down on the floor. Move without a goal. Take a bath. Soak up the warmth from the sun. Listen to the birds.
There is no need to rush your slowest, most tender part. I hope that in this fast-paced world, you find time to settle. Sometimes I can find this easily when I go out late at night. When most of the world has fallen asleep. There is quietness, softness, and calmness in the night. The silhouette of trees, the glow of street lights, and the twinkle of stars.
Coaching questions and things you can try for yourself:
Put a gentle hand over the part of your body where you feel some tension. You don’t have to try to force it to release. Just a touch that says...”I’m here with you.” Or “Could I sit here beside you? We don’t need to say anything.”
You can invite that part of you that feels tense to have a conversation with you. Ask it for permission and respect its answer when it feels like a “no” or “I’m not ready.”
It will only open up to you when it feels safe, when it doesn’t feel like it has to be “fixed”, and this might take time because trust takes time to build, especially if that part of you has been ignored or neglected for a long time.
You can ask that part questions such as:
“What do you need?”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
“What are you afraid might happen if I don’t do what you say?”
If you get any response, you’ll likely learn that it’s a part that loves you deeply and is doing its best to care for you and protect you (and doing it really well…working so hard for you). What words of gratitude or acknowledgement do you want to tell that part for doing all that it does for you?
I’ve been working on deepening my coaching and space-holding skills. And have made some adjustments to my services over the last couple of months. It is a more evolved and better version of what I offered before, and it is based on new experiences I’ve been getting and what I feel is more helpful to clients. It also feels more me (yay!)
For the next couple of months, I am offering a very limited number of people 3 1- hour pro-bono sessions from me to experience the updated forms, process, reflection questions, coaching, and style of space holding that I am transitioning into. If you are interested in receiving coaching from me, please reach out to me!
I help Asian millennials nurture healthier relationships with themselves and their families, so they can navigate Western and Eastern cultural norms and expectations with more self-trust, gentleness, and authenticity. To get started, book a 30-minute complimentary call with me! https://calendly.com/liwei-yang/complimentary-call
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A really great piece of writing and I enjoyed learning about parts work from you 💚