Meet Yourself Where You Are
Not where you want to be
Healing isn’t about rushing to a destination where all wounds are healed, or where we’re a perfected version of ourselves. It’s about meeting ourselves where we are and accepting ourselves as we are, with all our imperfections, pain, and emotions. This is a lesson I’m learning on a deeper level amidst a heartbreak that has shaken me to my core.
I’d be lying if I said I’ve completely let go of the aforementioned Chinese guy from my previous post. I have moved on to a huge degree already (my heart) but I’m touching deeper parts of myself that are also resistant to it. The part that is still holding on mostly manifests as mental tension and anguish (my ego/protector parts), perhaps revealing a long-standing karmic pattern in my romantic relationships, one that has persisted for nearly two decades. I hope that by getting to know this part of myself, I can finally break free from this cycle.
In her book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert writes, “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
This quote resonates deeply with me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this relationship was exactly that—a mirror, showing me all the places where I needed to grow. It wasn’t about finding someone to complete me but about meeting someone who would challenge me to become more whole on my own.
The impact of that connection has been profound to me, leaving my heart, mind, and soul stirred. I thought I had reached a stage in my healing where I was solid, centered, and unshakeable (ha!), but he brought down my defenses, revealing vulnerabilities I didn’t know I had. I feel that I have been blown off balance and I’m re-finding myself and re-orienting to a newer, different version of myself. I can feel myself slowly developing an even stronger center through this heartbreak.
The process of letting go has been anything but easy. It’s been a journey of loving and supporting myself unequivocally through my emotions, holding space for them, getting to know what their true messages are, not avoiding them (because by doing so, we’re just robots), and not forcing myself to move on faster than I’m able and ready to. My head is many paces ahead of my heart and I am learning to prioritize taking care of my heart rather than rushing forward or pressuring myself to move on with my reasoning and logical mind, or even to quickly get back into dating again.
It’s so damn uncomfortable to sit with all of this. Yet, I know one thing for sure: healing isn’t just about quickly convincing yourself why a relationship wasn’t right. That’s only a part of it. It’s also about fully embracing the parts of yourself that feel wounded, unseen, unheard, unmet, and unknown.
And it is about keeping an open heart. This doesn’t mean forcing my heart to be open. It means settling into myself more so that the existing open heart can embrace all of whatever I’m feeling, thinking, and going through. So that tender love can soften and hold all the edges, the pain, the grief, etc. It means not holding any parts of me back. It means being completely present to whatever arises for me at this moment, being ok with it, being gentle, and giving it the time and space to move on its own timing. The most gentle healing and change automatically take place when we are seen, known, and accepted. There is no need to be intentionally changed or fixed.
One of the major lessons I've learned, and one that I want to carry into my future romantic relationships, is to center my decision-making around this question: Is this relationship currently making me feel safe, happy, cared for, seen, and valued? Reflecting on my recent experience, I realized that while I felt deeply cared for, seen, held, and we did an excellent job of communicating with one another, I didn’t feel safe because the situation he presented made me feel insecure and anxious. I also didn’t feel important because he didn’t fight to keep me.
In the past, I based my decisions on whether I thought the person was good for me, which focused more on assessing the individual rather than the relationship itself. I tend to fall in love easily because I see the best in people and have a lot of compassion, which sometimes leads me to overlook their flaws. This new approach shifts my focus to the quality of the relationship and how it makes me feel to be a part of it.
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I am a heart-centered coach who supports Asian millennials to deepen their relationship with themselves and gently free themselves from unhelpful expectations, patterns, and fears so that they can have the life and relationships they desire. To learn more about my coaching series visit my website: alaliwei.com
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