Lessons from Loss
Love, loss, gratitude, acceptance, and more love
One of my pet budgies, Cheeky, passed away this morning. I have mixed emotions.
I bought 4 budgies in California about five years ago and flew them out to Florida a few months later when I realized the pandemic might last longer than I expected. I wanted to be closer to my family because I felt how isolating it was to be by myself on the other side of the country.
These birds brought so much sweetness into my life. I loved hearing them chirp all day. They’re the first delightfully sweet sounds I hear when I wake up in the morning and take my earplugs out.
These birds had free access to leave their cage and come back whenever they wanted. They would usually go back into the cage during sunset.
Over the years, my 4 budgies passed away in different ways.
Sunny wasn’t feeling well and went off to hide one night. When I found him, he writhed in my hands. I placed him in a cozy soft place and let him have his space to peacefully leave this world.
Snowy had cancer on a wing joint. This was confirmed by a bird vet. The tumor grew fast. He was often tired and eventually could no longer fly. He passed away slowly.
Chirpy escaped one day while I was cleaning the cage. And then never came back.
Cheeky grew sad, stopped singing, and barely ate food when Chirpy left. After a month, I bought him a new companion, Zappy. Zappy brightened his days for a while. But Cheeky passed today, the last of the original foursome.
Zappy has the freedom to fly away wherever he pleases because the cage door is always open. If he chooses to stay or continue to come back, he’s welcome. There will always be a home for him.
It is with sadness, respect, gratitude, and reverence that I say bye to Cheeky today. These birds have taught me so much about love, loss, gratitude, acceptance, freedom, and then more love (again). Their fleeting lives reminded me to cherish life – life is so precious and life is a miracle. (And this is coming from someone who’s family is in the IVF industry).
Back in the day, I didn’t let myself love. I put up a wall and armour around my heart because I feared the pain of loss. After many many heartbreaks, I learned that it’s possible to open up and love again and again.
Sunny’s passing happened around the same week my grandfather passed away. That was a pivotal moment for me. It was the first time I realized I wanted to spend more time with my family. (Within those 2 years, my brother got married and one of my grandma also passed away — unfortunately, my parents and I couldn’t be around for any of those big events because my brother and grandparents were all in China and we couldn’t go to China due to Covid restrictions).
Before this time of pivotal change, I was focused on work, making money, and being free to do anything I wanted to do – travel all around the world and go on all sorts of amazing adventures. I’m so glad I did during that phase of my life… I had a lot of energy! I have no regrets and can say I lived life to the fullest. I’m blessed and privileged to have had that luxury.
However, I only visited my family in Florida for about a week each year during the Christmas holidays.
At the time, I didn’t truly see the value of family. I grew up in China but moved away at age five. My parents, like many immigrants, were busy working, and the concept of family felt distant to me. I saw more arguments than connection or intimacy for many many years.
But during the pandemic, something shifted. I realized – shit, I can’t keep it up like this. My values in life started to shift. It wasn’t all about work and being free and having fun all the time (only some of the time!).
I realized family could take me in in ways that even my closest friends couldn’t. I also saw the beauty in the long-standing friendships I had—friends who were always there for me. During periods of my life when things felt hard for me they always picked up the phone and supported me. But there were periods of my life when I hadn’t prioritized them enough.
Within a 2 year time frame, I lost a best friend, 2 grandparents, and several dear pets. Those losses reshaped my priorities. I created a private website where I wrote down the values I wanted to live by, based on everything I had learned from loss.
I revisit that website about once a year, and the essence of those values still hold true even today (in the same priority):
Love and accept all of myself, prioritizing my health and well-being.
Take care of my family and cherish my friendships.
Keep Mother Earth beautiful and bountiful.
I started to shift my behavior to align with these values.
During Covid, I worked remotely so I would choose to spend months with my family in Florida every year instead of just a week.
I flew to different states to visit my closest friends more often. Even if they wanted to do something I didn’t want to do, I would still go do it, because I valued my quality time with them more than what we actually did.
I would go back to China every year since the border reopened up again in 2023 to see my relatives and my grandma (she took care of me when my parents left me in China for 1-2 years).
I also wrote down two life dreams of mine on that website back then. Reading them today brought tears to my eyes because I realized—I’m already living them, but in deeper, more meaningful ways than I ever imagined!
I’m more at peace with the choices I’m making now. My life is centered around the things I value most, and my decisions reflect those values. It’s a new and different life I have created for myself with more conscious decisions, more purpose, connection, and gratitude. I don’t take it for granted that I get to live my life in this way. It’s also a life I feel proud of. It’s not always grand or smooth or easy. But it is absolutely full, colorful, meaningful, and beautiful.
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