Growth Through Intimate Relationships
Dancing Between Calm And Agitated Inner States
Have you seen a simulation of two galaxies collide and merge? Our Milky Way galaxy is projected to collide with the Andromeda galaxy in billions of years. When they collide, the stars within these galaxies get shaken up, they pull apart, then collide again, until they eventually merge.
To me, this imagery depicts what it’s like when you meet the people who bring deep transformation and healing into your life. The initial adjustment period jingles your complementary energies asking each of you to transform and perhaps harmonize. This is what happened to me recently. I found myself bouncing between a wide range of emotions, thoughts, fears, hopes, sensations, energy levels, riding periods of agitation and calm. Even though it was quite an uncomfortable period, my intuition told me to stay and ride all the waves of what arose until each energy state ran its course. I’m happy to report that I feel much calmer and stabilized now. Yay!
In our interactions with those close to us, whether we find ourselves calm or agitated is rarely because of someone else. Instead, these states often reveal something within ourselves that needs attention. Family members, romantic partners, or close friends can act as catalysts for our growth and healing, triggering responses that highlight areas where we need to look deeper.
Agitated and Calm Inner States
When you're agitated, take a moment to pause and observe. What physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts are present? Try to make space for them without forcing them to go away. Tension and agitation typically arise because of a feeling of lacking something or a need to grasp. In this state, you may have anxious or fearful thoughts because you’re expecting the worst possible outcome. It's wise to avoid making big decisions when you're in this state. What do you notice helps you move out of an agitated state? Tuning into your intuition, what do you know to be true about yourself regardless of what you’re feeling?
Conversely, when you're in a calm state, what physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts are present? Typically there is a sense of wellness, sufficiency, enoughness, and safety. You tend to see the best in people and situations, and there's an underlying belief that everything will be okay. This state of calm is not just pleasant; it provides a clear lens through which you can see and understand your experiences more accurately. This is the optimal state for making the best decisions for yourself.
Embrace Both States
It's natural as human beings to experience a range of emotions, so it is perfectly ok for both calm and agitated states to occur. Both calm and agitation play crucial roles – they are not opposites but part of the same spectrum of human experience. They are part of the complexity of what makes us human and it is absolutely amazing that we have the capacity to hold and feel both dichotomies. A deeper sense of well-being is achieved not by pushing away the parts of you that feel agitated or anxious, but by making space for them, being gentle with them, and accepting them as lovable aspects of yourself.
What's important is how we handle these states when they arise. By listening to your body and tuning into your intuition, you can learn to address your needs based on the present moment, while embracing both calm and agitation as integral parts of your lived experience. Sometimes, letting the energy of your agitated state run its course is necessary. Allow that part of you to express itself fully whether alone or with the other person until it feels complete. By doing so, you honor your emotional experience and create space for the agitation to transform and move. For example, if you feel hurt, let yourself feel the hurt or sadness instead of immediately getting angry and prickly. When you let yourself soften to touch your pain and hurt, there is a layer of love and sweetness beneath the pain that completely embraces it. On the other hand, sometimes when you are agitated, you might have to step away from the situation to center and ground yourself until you feel more calm and can communicate your boundaries, needs, and/or true feelings more clearly and vulnerably without attacking the other.
Of course, the options I mentioned are not the only tools available to you. Only you know best what you need based on your own lived experience and intuition. If you would like me to be your coach to support you as you navigate your journey back to yourself, please reach out to me or complete my pre-coaching questionnaire, and I will be in touch with you. My pre-coaching questionnaire is available in both English and Chinese: https://alaliwei.com/precoaching-questionnaire
Here’s a testimonial from my latest client who finished her coaching series with me:
“I wanted coaching support to create more space and balance in my life, create a support network, and better self-care practices for myself.
After our coaching series together, the biggest change I've witnessed in myself is that I am far more compassionate towards myself and this is such a gift. I pause before I jump into "help mode" which has been my default mode for a very long time. I check in with myself more regularly to make sure I'm ok and I ask myself, "What do I need?"
My biggest achievement from our coaching experience is that I'm stoking my fire more regularly, so that means paying close attention to what lights me up, what fills my cup up and making sure I do that more regularly. This has meant that I have resumed physical activities that brought me so much joy but I hadn't done in years. I've also made sure that I carve out time in my week just for me, giving myself permission to slow down and do something for myself. This has been an invaluable practice and something that I will carry on doing. I'm also proud of becoming more comfortable with IT/tech stuff, I'm not 100% proficient but my attitude towards it has definitely shifted and I'm more open to play and experiment now than I was before this coaching experience. I always had an aversion to IT so this is a big change. I have also shifted my mindset towards creating a trustworthy support network for myself, again this was a foreign concept as I am so accustomed to being independent and figuring things out on my own. This mindset shift has allowed me to feel that I can count on others and that I don't always have to do everything on my own.
Thank you for being a wonderful coach, for reflecting things back to me so beautifully, and for asking me questions that make me think differently. My experience was wonderful, valuable, and crucial. Life coaching is definitely your "thing" and your future clients will be very lucky to have you as their coach, too.”
Here are ways you can support me and my work:
I am a heart-centered coach who supports Asian millennials to deepen their relationship with themselves and gently free themselves from unhelpful expectations, patterns, and fears so that they can have the life and relationships they desire. To learn more about my coaching series visit my website: alaliwei.com
If you love this newsletter, get value out of it, and want to support the time and work that goes into these posts, consider donating to me by becoming a paying subscriber even if you don’t get anything extra. You’ll encourage me to continue what I’m doing!
Shop for stickers and prints of my artwork via RedBubble (@Liwei-Doodles). I get a cut of what you buy.
Follow me on Instagram @tidbitsfromliwei