Cross-Cultural Dating
Cross-Cultural Dating
My experience of dating my first Chinese guy
Last month, I started dating a Chinese guy (my first). I wasn’t sure about him at first. He’s not perfect but my intuition told me to stay put and keep going. He didn’t meet the expectations I had, perhaps shaped by my own fantasies. But instead of being who I thought I wanted, he turned out to be exactly what I needed. His presence was comforting and grounding, softening the defenses I had built around my heart. When I let go of my preconceived ideas of who I thought I should be with, I was able to see him for who he truly is—and in doing so, I grew to love the sound of his voice and even found his flaws endearing.
As I got to know him more and more, I realized that he is truly truly amazing. Despite growing up in a competitive environment that could have easily hardened him, he remains caring, warm, sensitive, and gentle. He genuinely cares about others and upholds strong moral and ethical standards in his life. He’s incredibly capable and intelligent, with a depth of soul that resonates with me. In our time together, he was attuned to my smallest needs, treating me with care and respect. He is also one of the best space holders I know…I am a life coach and I have to admit he is better at space holding than I am. I feel this is one of his greatest gifts – he is exceptional at making you feel so seen, heard, and held. And he has such a stable and grounded energy and presence. I had much to learn from him in this area. I respect this guy so much and I love so many aspects of him.
Yet some factors and circumstances were not aligned for us to stay together. In my opinion, love between two people should transcend cultural and economic differences. To truly love someone is to love them for who they are—their character, personality, essence, and the ability to communicate openly and vulnerably. Love should not be hindered by factors beyond one’s control, such as background, socioeconomic status, or age.
Yet, when it comes to marriage, it’s not just two people coming together, but two families as well. And this is where the generational conditioning and challenges arise. Many Chinese millennials do not have siblings and this is because many were born during the one-child policy. I can sense the difficulties of being the only child around, shouldering the responsibility and expectation of taking care of elderly parents as well as respecting their wishes. In my case, this guy’s parents did not want him to date me because I’m from abroad and I am considered old by Chinese standards. He himself is also concerned about our economic gap and how this would impact decisions on where to spend money or how it may impact my standard of living. I never would have imagined that my background and my success in my prior career would somehow be a disadvantage and hindrance in being with someone that I like. I get it and yet I don’t (haha) because I think all of these concerns have solutions except for the one related to my age.
For those of you who feel deep in your core that your life can be different, that it can be more than what you have now, I want you to know that it can be. I feel so strongly about this and will fight to have you know it too. We are in the midst of a global transformation, a time to move beyond outdated beliefs and practices. It’s not just about seeking change for ourselves, but for our future generations. I would hate to see a world where people feel trapped, unable to choose who they marry, where they live, or what they truly want to do. Children do not belong to their parents—they belong to the world, to society. And this is how they should be nurtured. I envision a society where individuals have more freedom and support to choose for themselves what is truly best for their happiness, well-being, growth, and fulfillment.
Having now known this guy, I now feel a deep compassion for those navigating family and cultural expectations. I know this struggle is commonplace, especially in cultures with strong familial ties. I am glad I can more deeply, consciously, and with more heart come to understand the challenges that some Chinese people have to face in order to liberate themselves from their family and cultural expectations that are holding them and their hearts back. It’s funny because I’ve slowly been working on a keynote speech called “Forging Your Own Path: Balancing Cultural Expectations and Individuality” and now I’m even more passionate about speaking on this topic. It’s time to start understanding the impact of centuries of cultural conditioning on your personal identity and beliefs. I know the journey is not going to be easy to navigate but it will be so worth it. For those who are ready, it is possible to define a path separate from your family and cultural expectations. I’ve started my journey and I hope you’ll come along.
Now, if I come back to me. I went through so many stages of emotions. I felt the pain of loss that this relationship had come to an end. And I cried because I missed him. Yet, when I listened to my intuition, I knew that the relationship wasn’t meant to continue—at least not at this time. When I meet the right guy, I know that it will feel so aligned, wonderful, and connection-inducing including in the ways we come together in conversation when family, cultural factors, or other aspects of the relationship are not obviously aligned. And that person will show up where these challenges are either not there or are able, willing, and ready to stand in the face of them for the sake of the relationship.
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I am a heart-centered coach who supports Asian millennials to deepen their relationship with themselves and gently free themselves from unhelpful expectations, patterns, and fears so that they can have the life and relationships they desire. To learn more about my coaching series visit my website: alaliwei.com
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