Choosing Steadiness Over Speed
Practices that nourish and stabilize the nervous system
First off, I want to thank my readers for taking the time to read what I write. I truly mean it. Writing and sharing what I learn through life brings me joy, and knowing that you have chosen to subscribe to my writings and have them sent to your inbox is special to me. I hope you get something out of reading most of my posts, that something here makes you and your life better. Your support has been a good motivating force that keeps me writing and sharing what I love! Thank you.
One of the topics I return to often is slowing down. I seem to be learning this lesson again and again, because I still have a tendency to rush or make big moves. I suspect that it comes from having lived a life of frequent transitions since a young age…moving from place to place, adapting again and again. My body and nervous system are used to being in motion, so slowing down is an ongoing practice for me.
My recent move to Seattle has been especially challenging and dysregulating. I don’t love the neighborhood I’m living in right now, which adds a layer of unease. It’s brought up many old feelings around moving in the past, such as memories of feeling abandoned, fear for my safety, instability, stress, the discomfort of unfamiliar places and sounds, and the need to adapt to a new routine and new community.
Because of these experiences, I had to get better at tuning into what helps me feel regulated and settled when discomfort came up. And not rush to fix or make things better immediately, which comes from anxious energy, but rather, to soothe and be with the discomfort. Here, I share several practices that helped me feel more grounded and be ok with taking things slower. I hope these reminders and practices will help your life in some way so you can feel more stability, ease, and spaciousness, too.
1. Do More of What Brings Joy
Something that surprised me is how much joy I find in cooking. I’ve been cooking for most of my life but lately, trying new recipes or adding tweaks to what I’ve been doing before has felt delightful. And tasting something delicious that was made by my hands genuinely makes me happy. Even something as simple as watching steam rise from a pot of rice feels soothing and homey to me.
I’ve also found joy in drawing and painting again, and met a friend who enjoys it too. We watched some tutorials of some of our favorite illustrators together. To me, it’s more fun having a buddy who can do activities with you and share some of their tools and tips that they’ve learned.
Daily exercise is important to me. I notice that it helps with my mood and my body just feels great after a good workout. I’ve been playing lots of pickleball with the community of friends that I’ve chosen to play with. This community of friends has been so supportive and has offered to help me move and look for new apartments. Feeling supported by other people is one of the most comforting feelings that I think any human being can experience. Because of this, I am really grateful to this community, and feel blessed to have them in my life.
When you intentionally carve out time to do more things that feel uplifting and joyful, you learn to make space for more of this in your life. And are training yourself to recognize that these experiences are important to you and something you value that enhances your own well-being. When your nervous system leans into these joyful and peaceful experiences more and more, it’s hard to go back to the chaotic way things used to be.
2. Spend Time with People Who Feel Good to Be Around
During this period of time, I intentionally spent time with people who felt good to hang out with. One of them is a friend who is in a peaceful and stress-free state right now. She quit her job earlier this year and is doing what she loves at the moment. It’s refreshing to be with another person who is purposely choosing to explore and do fun, creative things. And it gives me permission to be ok with carving out some free time to do this, too.
I also enjoy spending time with kids…they’re such a joy to play with and have no worries. Being with them makes me forget about all my worries too, as if life is quite simple. That joy and simplicity are contagious, reminding me that life can be uncomplicated…just make time for some play, laughs, and take things one step at a time.
I also had phone conversations with some of my friends, some of whom I haven’t seen or talked to in months. One in particular I talked to is a new mother who is somehow managing a newborn without help from parents or nannies. She was so good at protecting her peace and energy. When other people told her how they think she should parent, she didn’t talk to them about those topics anymore because she had her way that was working and didn’t need other people’s advice. She mentioned that she had to take care of herself first and foremost in order to better take care of a child. And had a set schedule she was following and held really good boundaries around that. Talking with her really helped me see where I wasn’t protecting my own energy and peace. And how I could be firmer about who I spent time with or what I spent my time on so that I’m not overly accommodating and pleasing others.
3. Focus on What’s Healthy and Going Well
Our minds tend to notice what’s wrong, especially if we’ve experienced something that feels similar to a past challenge or pain. It’s important to acknowledge what’s hard about it AND it’s equally nourishing to notice what is working and what’s good.
For example, while there’s a lot I don’t love about Capitol Hill (where I live now)…if I kept on paying attention to that and was miserable, I’d just fall into a pit of misery. Yet I do appreciate how much sunlight my apartment gets and how many trees I can see from my window. It’s not all bad and those good small things are worth noticing. At the same time, I’m not going to force myself to tolerate a situation that I don’t love so I’m giving myself permission to take my time to look for a new place in Bellevue, where I spend much of my time anyway now.
Similarly, this principle can apply to a bunch of other situations like friendships or relationships. I can appreciate the positive traits of some of my friends and the friendships I have with them. The little ways they show up, how they might check-in on me to see how I’m doing, or when they remember a little detail about me that I care about. And sometimes, we might have misunderstandings or not show up for each other in the way we wanted and that’s ok because we all aren’t perfect and have days when we’re off.
When we focus on what’s going well and what’s working, there is less pressure to feel like things have to change or that you have to be somewhere else other than here.
4. Celebrate Your Progress
Coming from Asian culture, it might not be common for us to learn to celebrate or be proud of the progress we make. Some of my friends and I have talked about how we grew up in an environment where there was criticism, like the way we do things never seems to be good enough or could always be better. This makes us think we always need to do better, that when we are perfect, we’ll win approval and praise. But it’s impossible to be perfect.
So lately, when I do something well. Or when I know I’ve worked really hard to grow in certain ways, I thank myself. And it feels really good to do this...like my insides feel so cozy and relaxed. To give myself appreciation for little progress I make gives me the acknowledgement or what I have accomplished. And when I start to actually list it out, it can be really long! I can see the ways I’ve been learning and growing and it shows me how hard I’ve worked. I no longer have to constantly chase or win approval or feel like I need to be improving 24/7. I can actually enjoy where I am more. And this helps me slow down as well.
5. Create Space for the Part of You That Wants to Go Slower
Somewhere along the way, some of us might have been conditioned to override the part of us that wants things to be slower and gentler. Maybe there were times in the past when I might have expressed that I wasn’t ready for something, but was pushed to do it anyway.
For instance, as I look for a new apartment there is a part of me that resists the idea of moving again so soon. And instead of overriding that feeling as I often have in the past, I’m learning (with the support of my own coach, Sheila Haugh) to get curious about it. What is that part afraid of if I move again so soon? What might make the next move feel safer and more aligned? Only when that part of me feels more ready do I plan to move forward with another move.
Now, I’m getting better at recognizing when I’m at a 10-20% dyregulated state. Usually, I notice that I’m more in my head, overthinking, ruminating over things, or feel an unease in my body. Rather than immediately going into motion and trying to resolve it, I’ve been slowing down to give those parts of me space. And I also practice focusing on the things that I enjoy so I can ground and regulate faster. It’s also best to make decisions when you’re in a relaxed and happy state. You can also do this exercise too — how do you know when you’ve become 10-20% dysregulated, and what helps you ground?
I’ve been looking at stocks lately and some new friends were interested in me potentially writing about financial management or even about how to be a technical project manager because they wanted to get into this role. As I was drafting a post about this, a little fun idea popped up!
What would my life look like if it was plotted like a stock ticker?
Honestly, my line up till now would be relatively volatile with some ups and downs, maybe short periods of stability, and a few big crashes. My nervous system got used to that rhythm because of the many moves and periods of chaos I’ve experienced since childhood. And I think I might have even craved some volatility…I wanted life to feel exciting with some ups and downs.
I then asked myself what I would want my life’s stock ticker to look like moving forward.
After such a long period of turbulence, I want nothing more than a steady, gently rising line…one that climbs slowly and peacefully, with micro upgrades along the way. I want to move from A to B slowly, not from A to D overnight. That pace (jumping to a “better” state) feels like too much, too fast for me now.
I’m embracing this phase where I can enjoy life more, slow down, ground, and feel regulated before making any changes.
What about you? If your life were a stock chart, what would the line look like so far? It could be exciting with some ups and downs or stagnant or on a slow incline. And how would you want it to look moving forward?
I hope that you’ve found something nourishing and grounding from this post.
Here are ways you can support me and my work:
If you love this newsletter, get value out of it, and want to support the time and work that goes into these posts, consider donating to me by becoming a paying subscriber even if you don’t get anything extra. You’ll encourage me to continue what I’m doing!
Shop for stickers and prints of my artwork via RedBubble (@Liwei-Doodles). I get a cut of what you buy.
Follow me on Instagram @tidbitsfromliwei