Choosing A Place To Live
Factors that influence whether a place feels like home
Have you ever wondered where you might want to live and build a life? I began exploring this question in 2022. I traveled the world in search of a “perfect” place but what I found along the way was something unexpected. More than a location, this tour around the world led me to learn more about myself, my core values, to be patient with how things are unfolding, to shift my relationship with uncertainty, and to make decisions when various options are all good.
Over the last 3 years, I’ve explored what life in different cities across the U.S., Asia, and Australia might be like — from San Francisco, Berkeley, Seattle, and Jacksonville to Taipei, Tainan, Melbourne, Sydney, Wuhan, and Shishou.
Here are some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned, along with stories from my life. If you are also searching for the next place you want to root down (some of you are because you’ve talked to me about it!), I hope you’ll find the courage to go on your own adventure. In finding a place that feels right, you just might find more of yourself, too. It goes hand in hand.
People matter more than the place.
The place matters too, but the people matter more.
In 2022, I spent 2 months in Taiwan, staying with my friends who lived in Taipei, and doing some quick solo traveling around Tainan and Jiufen. I absolutely loved it there…it was like a slower version of old China, but cleaner, with excellent public transportation, and full of slow-paced kind people.
In 2024, I spent 1.5 months in Melbourne and Sydney, Australia meeting some friends I knew out there in person for the first time. Of all the cities I visited, Melbourne was my favorite in terms of vibe. It felt like the perfect East-meets-West blend. The Aussie accents reminded me of the British accent and I used to live in London so it gave me nostalgic feelings. There was also an abundance of good Asian restaurants and shops.
Even though I had friends in Taipei, Melbourne, and Sydney, and I genuinely enjoyed those places, I found myself missing something important. I realized that no matter how “perfect” a place was, what mattered most to me was having good friends and/or family nearby. What I wanted most wasn’t necessarily tied to geography. I wanted to be surrounded by people I cared about who also cared about me.
A place that aligns with your stage of life.
I tried out places where I had family. After all, they’re the people I care about who also care about me.
In 2023, I spent 7 months in Jacksonville, Florida, which is where my parents and brother’s family live. Jacksonville will always feel like home to me. It’s got a beach vibe, it’s hot, and there’s a sluggish slowness to being out there. My family matters a lot to me, so I like spending quality time with them. However, the opportunity for me to expand my business, network and meet the people I want to be meeting, create my community, and do some of the activities I enjoy doing, like hiking, dancing, and cycling, isn’t the same caliber as being in a bigger and outdoor-friendly city. I felt limited in my capacity to grow. And while being with my parents is grounding, having more independence gives me the freedom to fully spread my wings.
Last year, I stayed for 6 months in Wuhan and I loved it! China will also always feel like home to me. I loved hearing Chinese spoken everywhere, the beep beep of car horns, the energy of the hustle and bustle, the liveliness of the culture, and the sense of community there. But most of all, I loved being surrounded by my extended family. It felt so incredibly good to be with the whole gang of grandma, aunties, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, and long-time friends of my family. It’s an experience that I didn’t even realize I missed and yearned for so deeply until I returned to China as an adult.
Growing up, it was just my parents, my brother, and me so I didn’t have that huge family network and support system. In China, the best times were when I would go to Shishou or Henggoushi (countryside)…what feels like 50 or more family members would come together in a big room to eat, hang out, and play mahjong. Seeing the aunties, uncles, cousins, and moms all pitch in to take care of the kids and help each other out… it was the kind of supportive family structure I always wanted. This is what a family should feel like! I feel so incredibly lucky that we all get along, that we all love each other, care about each other, and step up to support one another unconditionally. Even now, writing this, I miss being in that web of family care and connection.
Even though I liked Florida and China, it felt like it wasn’t the “right” time to be there. Maybe further down the road, it will be “right,”…the biggest reason being that it felt extra challenging for me to grow my business. I’m targeting Asian millennials as my clients, and Jacksonville doesn’t have a large population of Asians. And being in China, there was a language barrier for me, especially when it came to reading anything. It’s already hard enough to start a business and do something completely different from what you’re used to. I wanted the next few steps to feel more manageable rather than extra challenging in the beginning. Smaller and slower = more sustainable in the long run.
I’m in a stage of life where I am slowing down and thinking about settling down. I’m considering things that I usually haven’t considered before…like what it might be like to have a family here eventually. Would this place be good for kids? Does this place align with my hobbies (because my hobbies support my joy and mental health)? What do I think of the people here — could I feel a sense of belonging in this community? Is this a good place for me to continue to grow my career, or would my industry be needed here?
For some of these questions, it’s hard to know without testing it out first or giving it some time. There’s always going to be some degree of uncertainty when making a transition. And I’ve learned that uncertainty isn’t necessarily all scary and bad. From another perspective, it’s also an invitation to explore and create what’s possible.
Reflection Questions:
What stage of life are you in? What are some of the most important factors you’re looking for in a place to live? What supports your joy, mental health, and happiness? What kind of people do you want to surround yourself with?
Listen to your body and nervous system.
When I got back to the US from China, I realized my nervous system preferred being in a more spacious and quieter environment as a home base. I liked the hustle and bustle and fast-paced life in Asia for bursts at a time, but I preferred to be around more trees, blue skies, clean and clear bodies of water, and wide open spaces where I felt I could relax and had room to breathe. It turned out to be a huge theme in my search, finding where I can feel more settled.
When I first moved to San Francisco in 2011, I chased excitement, fun, and adventure. I began my tech career there and got into a bunch of outdoor activities there. I did intense activities like biking up hills in the morning before work with a group of cycling friends, and then rock climbing after work with another group of friends. I hung out with many friends every single day. That’s what my body craved at the time.
After years of nervous system healing, my needs changed and because of that the people and places I wanted to be around shifted. (Maybe I’m also just getting old too!) I learned to slow down. I go outside to do an activity every day even now but not to the same intensity as before. I now also enjoy cozy days where I stay indoors, where I spend time alone, rest, or allow space in my day to not be busy. I care about living in a way that feels more sustainable, easeful, and spacious. I listen to my body to determine my energy level and needs — saying no to social activities if I feel I need more rest and saying yes to them when I feel I need to be energized. How I feel in my day-to-day matters more than living in a cool and vibrant city now. I want to be in a place where my nervous system feels at ease, because this is the foundation for more clarity, creativity, and growth to take place…for life to take root.
Reflection Questions:
What kind of pace and energy does your nervous system crave right now? What are signs that your body is telling you you need to slow down or rest? What feels feasible as a habit where you build more rest and recharge in your daily life before you reach overwhelm and burn out? How does your body signal a need to go do something energizing like moving your body or going out to connect with others?
Be with people who make you feel at home.
Earlier this year, I spent about 2.5 months in Seattle. Seattle has the most beautiful water, mountains, and tree landscapes. It’s really lush and green, unlike California. It’s also a great place for an outdoor lover like me. It moves at a slower pace than the Bay Area. In the winter, it can often get cloudy which also means staying indoors and being cozy. The gloominess kind of reminded me of my year living in London and I liked being in London.
Two of my best friends live in Seattle and Bellevue. I’ve known them for about 28 years! They’re like family and sisters to me. I’ve known them and their parents since I was little and when we had many sleepovers together. I can be utterly and completely myself when I’m with them. We can talk to each other about private things, break down in tears in front of each other, talk about the wonderful things in our lives, talk about the hard shit that we go through. Our friendship feels so authentic and real. We can candidly call each other out and say things that are well-intentioned but might be hard to hear – all out of love and care for each other.
During my Seattle trip, I even had a disagreement with one of my best friends…it was really painful for me, and I couldn’t sleep well that night. There was a rupture in our relationship, but the next day, we were both vulnerable, honest, and told each other we loved each other and tried to understand each other. We repaired the connection and grew even closer because of it. Friendships like this, where both people can show up fully, openly, and lovingly, even in conflict, are rare. I only have a few of these types of friendships, and I cherish them deeply. To me, one of life’s greatest gifts is being around people who let you be fully yourself — real, raw, beautiful, messy…and still deeply accepted. I don’t take this for granted.
Reflection Questions:
Who are the people you feel most yourself around? When you think about the relationships (with friends, family, partner, etc.) you want to have in your life, how do you want to feel? How would you be communicating with them? What would you be talking about? What would you be doing together? What can you do right now to show up in a way that helps you cultivate that?
So, where did I decide to live?
Seattle. I moved here just this week! Eeek!
It wasn’t easy for me to come to this decision. I wrestled with it for months and months. I had tried to move here in May but still felt a lot of doubt and resistance so I canceled the move for various reasons. I toyed with staying put in the Bay Area, a place that is equally amazing, where I had lots of friends, and where I felt a lot of familiarity and comfort.
Every city I visited had its own pros and cons. I could have been happy in any of them, which made choosing even harder. I had decision paralysis for some time, but a second trip to Seattle this year helped me move that decision forward. I could feel a sense of more joy by being in Seattle than by staying in the Bay Area and I wanted to choose more joy for myself.
Honestly, my last big move from San Francisco to Berkeley had been hard. I didn’t know anyone in the East Bay, then the pandemic happened. Isolation, doubts, and worst-case scenarios filled my mind — especially around whether I’d feel the same in Seattle. But this second visit helped soften those fears. My protective parts relaxed, just a little. Life goes by quickly, and I also wanted to hold myself back less.
I had wanted something like this…I was searching for something like this and had worked SO HARD for it for so long. Even though it was scary I had to at least give it a try. At least a year before figuring out what’s next.
In the end, what guides my decision about where to live came down to three main things: the people I’d get to share my life with, whether the place supported my hobbies and career, and how settled my nervous system feels.
I’ve only been in Seattle a few days and am already grateful for the support and big welcome here. A huge thank you to my friend who did most of the driving up with me from Berkeley to Seattle. That drive was infinitely more enjoyable with you as a companion! And a big thank you to my friend who is currently housing me while I wait for my furniture and belongings to be delivered. You supported me and provided a comfortable place for me to stay so I could test being out here before making the big move. This transition wouldn’t have been possible without your generosity! And lastly, I want to thank my other good friend and her mom for encouraging me not to give up on my dreams even when I face challenges.
I want to walk hand in hand through this life with the people whom I love and care deeply about — supporting each other, laughing and crying, and growing together. It matters to me that I surround myself with deep, real, authentic relationships. And I’ll build more of them because I feel a deep desire to create an uplifting and nourishing community in Seattle. I’m also still planning to spend weeks of time in Florida and China where I have family, but I’m going to try my best to stay in one place for longer than 6 months this time! Here’s to me making bigger and longer commitments!
I’m bringing curiosity and a sense of adventure into this next chapter. It makes the process and decision feel more playful…less scary, permanent, or pressure-filled. And I’m calling in deeper friendships, community, and even romance! For those of you in Seattle, here I come skipping over!
Wow, a big hug to myself for getting this far! We made it happen. It all works out in the end, doesn’t it? :)
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