At A Crossroads
Fear Plus The Courage To Take A Business Risk
It’s been difficult for me to write something that I have felt that I want to publish. Not because I have nothing to write about – in fact, I have written a couple of posts over the last month and recorded them but couldn’t publish them the following day. I would write what feels true to me and then a couple of days later, it’ll all feel untrue and off. And, I only want to share what feels most true to me. So now, with honesty, I tell you “I don’t know right now.” I feel a bit jumbled up inside, unable to determine which way to orient.
I am at a major MAJOR crossroads.
I’m not sure what voice to listen to right now because I’ve been tossed into confusion after my last heartbreak. I’ve made space to listen to my intuition and to my reasoning mind. I’ve made space to listen to the most tender parts of myself that still feel hurt and grief. I’ve made space to listen to my fears and worries, as well as my regrets and my anger. I’ve made space to listen to what makes me curious and hopeful. I’ve made space to listen to what makes me want to fight yet also to what makes me want to give up on it all. I won’t list it all out but SO much has been coming up for me. Don’t be alarmed that all of this is happening to me – with deep self-awareness, you realize you have many parts within you all playing different crucial roles (kind of like the characters from Inside Out). And I’ve learned to pay attention to it all without being swept away or overwhelmed by all the noise.
And with all that said about my confusion, there is no doubt at all that I find myself feeling changed in a good way from the person I was just a couple of months ago. I feel more fully grounded in my body and more centered in my energy and this is a joy for my nervous system. I feel more solid and stable yet also more confident to open up to things I might not have opened up to before, fueled by some force that is beyond my explanation. I have found unexpected growth and liberation. And the aforementioned tension that once plagued me has dissipated for the most part. Perhaps my ego has loosened its hold over some beliefs and fears I had carried.
It is all absolutely a jumble and mess yet there are moments where I feel that whatever I’m going through has an innate beauty. Perhaps heartbreak was the magical portal that offered a profound opportunity to be in touch with the most tender parts of oneself and was a sure catalyst for personal transformation. I believe heartbreak is a testament to our capacity to love deeply and to live fully; it signifies that we have dared to reach beyond our comfort zones and tried hard for something we care about. And I would choose to do this over and over again even if it means more heartbreak. Just don’t remind me I said this when I’m in the throes of it, haha!
And amid all that transformation and confusion, I have somehow found the courage to move forward in a direction that I never in my life would have imagined I would do. I am in the final stages of establishing and registering my business in China and will soon have my business license! Eeek! I hope to bring life coaching to China – to guide people to come back to their hearts. It is very much needed. I am not sure if it will be successful or if it will go anywhere. But I don’t know unless I try right? If this venture fails, I will have no regrets for trying and if it succeeds, well then it’s something worth celebrating because it means I will have made a positive impact on Chinese culture and people. And that is worth pursuing.
One thing I find comfort in is the assurance that it would be hard for Chinese people to copy my business. Chinese people are really good at replicating products — physical products and software products, for instance. And there is a chance someone might end up copying my content. But I know that the centerpiece of my business is me. And NO ONE else can be me — no one else can emulate my energy and my presence, no one else can tell my story the way I tell it, and no one else has had the lived experience that I have had. I know my niche well so there are thousands of ways I can talk about my particular topic. I have unlimited creativity in this area. And no one else can emulate this and be able to grow from it — unless they end up doing their own inner work and branch off based on their lived experience. In which case, it would just be their own thing, which is also an amazing thing because we need more Asian life coaches.
This weekend, I will deliver a workshop to an English-speaking audience in Wuhan—a first step to inspiring Chinese people to come back to themselves. My workshop is titled “Forging Your Own Path: Balancing Cultural Expectations and Individuality”. It’s a call for people to move beyond their conditioned fears, expectations, and beliefs so that they can find their own path rather than walking the one that their family and society have mapped out for them. I’m nervous about how it’ll be received but I’m also excited. I have found lots of joy in prepping and crafting this workshop, refining it over and over again so that it conveys the core things I want my audience members to leave with.
I don’t know what my road ahead will look like. It is so uncertain. With the establishment of a business, it means that I am embarking on a daring path to settle in China. I still have to go through a long process to get a 1-year work visa. And this 1 year will be good for me to test the waters. It feels scary to think about. I love Western culture…yet, it’s undeniable that there’s a part of me that feels happy here and it feels so “right” to be in China that there isn’t much of a decision to make…it feels as if it’s the only open door to walk through. This journey entails cultural challenges, language barriers, and barriers because I’m a foreigner. Will my work end up being of service to others? Will I be able to find a solid community? Will I also be able to find stability, fulfillment, and love in China? I hope so! With this move, I am also selling my house in Berkeley. I have signed the listing contract with my real estate agent. So many pieces are moving right now.
Despite the challenges inherent to living in China, I’m curious and open to what the next chapter will bring. There have been countless times when I’ve stumbled, made mistakes, failed, been crushed, felt helpless, and endured heartbreak after giving my all over and over again. By now, my spirit should be broken. It would be easy to give up, but I simply can’t. I am driven by an unwavering love, commitment, and devotion to the path I’m on—one that serves both my highest potential and something greater than myself. So, I won’t give up, and I won’t give in. Every step is a testament to the resilience of my human spirit and a deeper surrender to my soul path.
Here are ways you can support me and my work:
I am a heart-centered coach who supports Asian millennials to deepen their relationship with themselves and gently free themselves from unhelpful expectations, patterns, and fears so that they can have the life and relationships they desire. To learn more about my coaching series visit my website: alaliwei.com
If you love this newsletter, get value out of it, and want to support the time and work that goes into these posts, consider donating to me by becoming a paying subscriber even if you don’t get anything extra. You’ll encourage me to continue what I’m doing!
Shop for stickers and prints of my artwork via RedBubble (@Liwei-Doodles). I get a cut of what you buy.
Follow me on Instagram @tidbitsfromliwei